Greetings from New Zealand

Every time I send out a book I email the buyer with a little standard paragraph asking them to email me back when the package arrives. I've never bothered to add up what percentage of them do, but there are a fair few every week, mostly just a couple of words acknowledging receipt.

But today I had the best ever, a real work of art. The book, by the way, was called Boot and Shoe Design and Manufacture and was quite big, so it went sealed in a blue M-Bag, which is supposed to be delivered unopened to the customer who lives in New Zealand and who wishes to be known as Sylvia Carp.**

Here's what he wrote when he emailed to say it had arrived.

Arrived 07:40pm NZST Thurs 21st May 09

Proceedure: Sheepdog notes activity. Woof woof.Yap yap. Owner shouts. Shurup ya mangy heathen etc. Feeds goat, hens ... returns to bothy. Blue sack at doorstep. Suspicions: old Australian "Snake in a Sack" trick. Thinks: *wrong continent*. Pokes sack with shepherd crook (not cheap chestnut pommy type that bends out of shape in rain as used in nativity plays). Thinks: *Bloody big bag for one book*. Tentative fondle of bag in book region. Thinks:*Yes, book. Fear not*.

Notes: Blue bag stamped "Royal Mail Great Britain". Bow to royal bag and inspect.

Inspectors report: Bag, blue, huge sufficient carry ferret, nets (long and purse types), 410 shotgun foldup type, Woodbines, ploughman's lunch, fox terrier. Bag has small tears to recto and verso, tape repairs numerous, green customs label fits dog collar and keeps dog quiet for 1/2 hour. Dog O.B.E. other buggers' efforts. Contains book wrapped in cardboard. Shelf book, wall mount bag, feed dog cold porridge.

Expressions: Thanks mate

**Latest message from customer:

Yes, publish and be damned, pseudonym Sylvia Carp please, otherwise I get a lot of useless goat offers of the "I was going to take them to the slaughter house but ..." variety. I'm not a goat dealer but a secondhand bookseller retired trying to escape telephone offers of "readin books" etc. The situation is getting ridiculous. Yesterday I received a bootmaker's textbook from a theology specialist and ordered theologian Sara Maitland's Book of Silence from a rag and bone dealer in Yoevil.